andrea werner insoft, licsw
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A Person's A person, No Matter How Small
| Posted on January 19, 2015 at 6:25 PM |
“A person’s a person, no matter how small.” Dr. Seuss Andrea Werner Insoft, LICSW There is no word in the English language to describe a
person whose child has died. If your
wife dies, you are a widower. If your
husband dies, you are a widow. If your
parents die, you are an orphan. All of
these are tragic losses. But there is no
word for a person whose child has died.
That kind of death defies spoken language. Our western society does not do a particularly good job of
supporting people through death, grief and mourning. It seems that mourners are allowed 1-2 months
and then it is back to the usual routine.
Any mention of the deceased is done in whispers and behind closed
doors. Nobody wants to upset the bereaved
by mentioning his/her loved one. If this
is how we handle the death of an adult, imagine how much more complicated it is
to support someone after the death of a child. When a child dies during pregnancy or shortly thereafter, it
is hard to know how to mourn. How do you
grieve someone you have never met, or met only briefly? And yet, the connection with that child
started months earlier – at conception or even before. You have an image of
what your child might look like. How you
want to raise him or her. Piano lessons,
baseball, chess. The options are
endless, your future feels so bright and sure; and then, in a flash they are
taken from you. You have to grieve your
child and your dreams. Molly Fumia wrote, “Grief is a journey, often
perilous and without clear direction, that must be taken. The experience of
grieving cannot be ordered or categorized, hurried or controlled, pushed aside
or ignored indefinitely. It is inevitable as breathing, as change, as love.” I’d like to explain my word choice here. I specifically refer to people who have
experienced a pregnancy loss not as having “lost” a child. You did not “lose”
your child. You didn't leave your child
in the supermarket. You have experienced
the death of a very desired and longed for child…I call every grieving person
who walks into my office a parent. It
does not matter that you do not have a child living at home, tucked nicely into
a bassinet with hand knitted blankets. You have loved a child just the
same. You have wished for and dreamed of
this child. You are a parent in every
sense of the word. Each person’s journey through this grief is unique. Some people may bristle at my calling them a
parent. When a client tells me that he
or she is not a parent, I respect that feeling.
I truly do. But, I don't believe
it. As I write this article, it is a cold, damp January evening.
The holidays have just passed and we are settling in for the long, New England
winter. When I finish writing, I will
turn on the TV to “veg out” a bit. And
what will I see when I turn the TV on?
Commercials. Many, many
commercials for all sorts of child related items and activities. You know the ones; AT&T, Huggies,
children with puppies. Well, to a couple
that has suffered childbirth loss, this is far from the most wonderful time of
the year. All the reminders of back to
school shopping, sales and necessities only reinforce the isolation following
the death of a child. How can you
cope? How can you put one foot in front
of the other and take the steps necessary to get through your day? ·Turn off
the TV/radio. It is too much and can be flooding. You may have been on the road to recovery and
hearing or seeing a particular commercial can send you right back. And that is the nature of grief. Healing is
not a linear process. It is more a
meandering path. Allow yourself to
wander the path and look at everything you encounter. Also, please allow yourself to get off the
path and take a break. ·Surround
yourself with people who understand. Or, if they don’t actually understand, at
least they try. They are able to say
things like, “Tell me what’s up for you today.” Or “Do you want to talk, walk,
see a movie, get some coffee?” ·Realize
that the goal is not to let go. I believe
that the goal is to hold on. It is only in the holding on and the belief that
this child will always be a part of you that you can heal. ·Talk
about your child. Use his or her name. He is real.
She lived, if only for the briefest of moments. Your child touched you and has changed you. ·Embrace
the ways in which you have been changed. Many clients tell me that they
are so much softer around the edges.
They are more compassionate. They
are comfortable reaching out to others. Some say that had they known their
pregnancy would end the way it did, they would not have changed anything about
the experience. They are grateful that
they got the opportunity to meet their child.
Look for the changes you see in yourself and hold fast to them, for they
exist because of your son or daughter. ·Find ways
to honor your child and yourself as a parent. Plant a garden, name a star, send balloons up
with messages for others to find, volunteer for an organization that has
meaning for you. I have found that many
people find solace at the Children’s Memorial Lighthouse in Edgartown. I’d like to end with a quote from Harold Kushner who wrote
so beautifully on the importance of living after the death of a child. "We cannot
choose. We can only try to cope. That is what one does with sorrow,
tragedy, or with any misfortune. We do not try to explain it. We do
not justify it by telling ourselves that we somehow deserve it. We do not
even accept it. We survive it. We recognize its unfairness and
defiantly choose to go on living. I now tell bereaved parents: you
have inherited from your child all the years he or she never got to live… you
inherited their unlived years. Those years are a precious legacy from
them to you; use them well. Don't be afraid to enjoy life just because
your loved one isn't there to enjoy it with you. Live their years along
with your own, and feel their presence as you do so." In this season as in
all, I wish you peace, healing and hope. |
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